Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Anxiety Attacks
I have all the signs of anxiety. I have lost my appetite. I cant sleep because I am trying to solve 1001 problems mentally; with my eyes shut.
Having people asking me inane questions in the morning, day and night, piss me off.
Having people ask me the same questions over and over again, raise my temperature and blood pressure.
Having people ask me obvious questions too, makes me flip-over.
Nice people tells me 'not to think too much about it'. Hello..!!! I would roll over dead when the time comes that I dont think.
But the nice part is I get to cuss my EX without him knowing, since he has decided not to contact me or the kids for fear of us asking for financial assistance. Ooppss.. not financial assistance since it is our Rights/Hak.
Cant I just do whatever my heart desires?
I just want to stay home and do whatever I feel like doing. It could be jogging/bicycling in my baggiest T-shirt and pants... free-hair, if I so desire. It could be gardening in the hot sun. OK, so the plants will die in my hands... so what!! It could be sewing or knitting(?).. Err.. ok ok.. so I dont own any knitting needles nor do I know a knit or a purl. Maybe it is time, I unpack/pack those books I have hidden in those boxes all over the house. I should be transporting and unpacking them in the new house. Hehehe... That would be fun. Mindless work.. and loads of fun. I also want to read and reread all those story books I have accumulated all these years. I want to surf the WWW; nevermind that I will grow bunions on my ass. I want to make new friends in that 'invisible' world out there. I want to go places (mentally) where money is not needed.
Dont remind me of breakfast and lunch and dinner. Dont forget to eat, eat, eat. Dont worry, I wont keel over and die if I dont eat in a day!! I have too much preserved fat!! I dont want to eat rice. I want to try all those exotic food that I only read from recipe books.
Dont tell me who should be my friends or who I should be avoiding. I know you all mean well. I know you all love me and dont want me to get conned. But I am old enough to make my decision (dont u think). And you would have thought all the bitter experiences with EX would have armed me with enough sensors to know when I am being conned. Why is it alright for a 20++ to have a cyber-romance but not for a 40++ ? Why is it alright for a married woman to have a lunch or dinner with other guys but not for a divorcee like me? Am I supposed to shrivell up like an asam boi once I reach the age of 45?
And please, please, please... no need for comments ok. No need to reach out to me, ok. Just leave me alone to sort out my problems. I had always managed it alone. I am a survivor.
Having people asking me inane questions in the morning, day and night, piss me off.
Having people ask me the same questions over and over again, raise my temperature and blood pressure.
Having people ask me obvious questions too, makes me flip-over.
Nice people tells me 'not to think too much about it'. Hello..!!! I would roll over dead when the time comes that I dont think.
But the nice part is I get to cuss my EX without him knowing, since he has decided not to contact me or the kids for fear of us asking for financial assistance. Ooppss.. not financial assistance since it is our Rights/Hak.
Cant I just do whatever my heart desires?
I just want to stay home and do whatever I feel like doing. It could be jogging/bicycling in my baggiest T-shirt and pants... free-hair, if I so desire. It could be gardening in the hot sun. OK, so the plants will die in my hands... so what!! It could be sewing or knitting(?).. Err.. ok ok.. so I dont own any knitting needles nor do I know a knit or a purl. Maybe it is time, I unpack/pack those books I have hidden in those boxes all over the house. I should be transporting and unpacking them in the new house. Hehehe... That would be fun. Mindless work.. and loads of fun. I also want to read and reread all those story books I have accumulated all these years. I want to surf the WWW; nevermind that I will grow bunions on my ass. I want to make new friends in that 'invisible' world out there. I want to go places (mentally) where money is not needed.
Dont remind me of breakfast and lunch and dinner. Dont forget to eat, eat, eat. Dont worry, I wont keel over and die if I dont eat in a day!! I have too much preserved fat!! I dont want to eat rice. I want to try all those exotic food that I only read from recipe books.
Dont tell me who should be my friends or who I should be avoiding. I know you all mean well. I know you all love me and dont want me to get conned. But I am old enough to make my decision (dont u think). And you would have thought all the bitter experiences with EX would have armed me with enough sensors to know when I am being conned. Why is it alright for a 20++ to have a cyber-romance but not for a 40++ ? Why is it alright for a married woman to have a lunch or dinner with other guys but not for a divorcee like me? Am I supposed to shrivell up like an asam boi once I reach the age of 45?
And please, please, please... no need for comments ok. No need to reach out to me, ok. Just leave me alone to sort out my problems. I had always managed it alone. I am a survivor.
irenewynn went on a journey at 09:56 am
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